Darwin's Noodles

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#99FFFF" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" width="100%" BGCOLOR="#33CCFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Darwin's Noodles</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Glubs and the Noodles">The Glubs and the Noodles</A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="carnivorous.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Carnivorous">Carnivorous</A>   |   <A HREF="if_only_.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="If Only !">If Only !</A>   |   <A HREF="dont_worry.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Dont Worry">Don't Worry</A>   |   <A HREF="trust_me_.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Trust Me !">Trust Me !</A>   |   <A HREF="welcome.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Welcome">Welcome</A>   |   <A HREF="alfred_e_neuman.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Alfred E. Neuman">Alfred E. Neuman</A>   |   <A HREF="parlez_vous_français.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Parlezvous Français?">Parlez-vous Français?</A>   |   <A HREF="the_president.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The President">The President</A>   |   <A HREF="love51.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Love">Love</A>   |   <A HREF="happy_end.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Happy End">Happy End</A>   |   <B>Darwin's Noodles</B>   |   <A HREF="noodle_sex.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Noodle Sex">Noodle Sex</A>   |   <A HREF="archeology.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Archeology">Archeology</A></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thursday December 8th, 2005</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Darwin's Noodles !</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>It is quite painful for me as story teller to report about a most unpleasant exchange that took place between Your Most Obedient Servant, the Story Teller and Professor Della Pasta from the Wall Mart University, which even if it is a minor University deserves all our respect for it's efforts not to be totally unknown.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Professor Della Pasta felt compelled to send a most urgent message putting in doubt the very existence of the Noodles! And assuming that the Noodles! Would exist would represent a threat to humanity. In a farcical mood he even added that his parents where in the habit of consuming Noodles! At least once a day and that he did not feel that it had harmed him.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As readers, you immediately observe the deviousness of Noodles! Which under the most harmless disguise manage to worm themselves into the metabolism of the innocent victim which them becomes one of their slaves without even being aware of his bondage?  Poor Professor Della Pasta, what a waste for Humanity, I wish he will be terminated in the most human way, I would suggest with a bit of basilica and possibly a few onions, with just a dash of first quality olive oil.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>While being flippant about the reactions of the Lower Levels of the So-called Scientific Community, it does remind me that all readers are not fully conversant with the Ethology of Noodles! So without any insult being implied, I feel that it is my duty as Story Teller to brief my most respected readers about some of the basic facts know about Noodles! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I will use slides to demonstrate how the evolution of noodles has led us to today's terrifying situation and I will include a slide about the changes in my salary which will clearly demonstrate that had I been paid a decent salary, this danger would never have been able to develop.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Operator, first slide please!</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="0f9f1b50.jpg" border=0 width="241" height="181" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What is this supposed to be? Is somebody supposing that he can be funny with me and not endure the harshest expressions of my legitimate wrath?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>By the way who is the Projector Operator?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Most sorry Madame, I shall have this machine repaired at the soonest, they are so unpredictable, and please accept the expression of my deepest gratitude for the excellent Services you are providing, indeed, I think, as do all participants here assembled, that by changing the conventional view, we suddenly discovered a whole new approach to the problem of NOODLES!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Let us all give a hand to Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As story teller I can feel that you are despising me for my cowardice, my spineless attitude, but you must understand that I am terrified of viruses; If the best brains in this World cannot get rid of Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing, you don't expect me, a simple story teller, to stand up to her, do you?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well Mrs, if you have the time and you think that this is that this is the appropriate circumstance, could we have a look at the boring, classical view of a Dormant NOOODLE!</B></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="0fb03ad0.jpg" border=0 width="259" height="173" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This picture is familiar to all of you, I believe this is the very first picture taken of a dormant NOODLE! And regretfully the very last picture of Professor Anders Berg- Andersson, who wanted to go a little nearer and see that thing that was hiding amongst the rocks.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I will ask you to stand up and let us have one minute of respectful silence.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>To lighten the spirit I will remind the assistance of the favourite joke of Professor's Anders Berg-Anderssons, son:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The advantage of the NOODDLE! Death is that you have no funeral costs!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Always so practical these Swedish scientists.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I believe the first drawing made by observing a life NOODLE! From a satellite before the NOODLES! Were able to attack the satellite is this one:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing (yes I know I am a spineless coward!) could we have the first view please?</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="0fc96940.jpg" border=0 width="150" height="148" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Excellent view Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing, and while we enjoy that superb view of  the Earth Globe as it was before the NOODLES! Could you please see if we could come just a bit nearer the subject?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes, you think we could?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How good of you Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing, I do not know what we would be able to do without your assistance.</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="0fe43010.jpg" border=0 width="323" height="257" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, is it not fantastic to be able to lecture on such a frightening subject with an assistant so devoted to the Step by Step approach?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So let us approach the zone from which the first evidences where gathered?</B></div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="510" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 141 WIDTH="305"><div> <B><IMG SRC="100a0780.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="120" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFF99><NOBR><div> <B><IMG SRC="102b3860.jpg" border=0 width="179" height="134" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, how kind of you Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing to let us share with you the beauty of your children, I hope they are well.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>They are well?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>They cost a lot of money to raise up?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I am sure Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing that the participants will be most grateful for the opportunity you give them to participate in such a noble enterprise.</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="10435f60.jpg" border=0 width="309" height="246" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes thank you Mrs, we are now looking at the Continent of Life before the Great NOODLE!</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="10643010.jpg" border=0 width="323" height="257" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How could one divine that such luxurious and peaceful looking meadows would prove fatal to all living things in the Universe?</B></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="10843010.jpg" border=0 width="323" height="257" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This one was taken from the side of the Lander and if you look carefully you will see that the foreground is hazy, I believe that “THEY” had started shaking the Lander at that time.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As University Lecturer I have postponed as long as I could the most difficult part of this presentation.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I must warn that the next slides are not suitable for children of low age and for women.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>They have to be shown in the interest of Science but their cruelty and realism can be difficult to endure.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>All next slides come from the first autopsies made of the first NOODLES! Ever identified. I can guess you forthcoming question as it does come up at each lecture.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How do we know for sure that the NOODLES! Are dead?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The gruesome answer is that we do not know!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>First slide please, and be tranquil, the first slides are so technical as to arise no repulsion in the viewer.</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="10a18ab0.jpg" border=0 width="280" height="427" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This NOODLE! Was found in the ice of Greenland at minus 3000 meters and we believe that the low temperature explains why it is so well conserved.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>If we look at it closely we can easily see its anatomical components</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="10ce3290.jpg" border=0 width="227" height="297" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As lecturer one is a bit ashamed to point out such obvious features.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Let us go on, next slide please!</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="10ee7220.jpg" border=0 width="231" height="290" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Quite often Professors from lesser Universities put this location of the Digestive system in doubt as they claim that if you turn the NOODLE! Upside down, everything would run out.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ridiculous!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How do we know this claim to be ridiculous?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Because it comes from Professors from Lesser Universities.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Next slide please!</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="11056a90.jpg" border=0 width="342" height="425" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Dear Readers, Professors from lesser Universities have claimed that the lower part could not be the Uni-Legged Motricity System, pretending that if it was so the NOODLE! Could not move. I do not want to into a Scientific Debate that does not exist, let me just tell you to conclude the subject that the Professor from the Lesser University is a Woman!!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Most visitors at this stage wonder why this central area has not been used by NOODLE! For some vital function and we at Our University were puzzled a long long time until we came into a period when we were running short of annual fund, a recurrent situation around the month of February, and it downed upon us why NOODLE! In its wisdom had apparently left this area untouched.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="1115cb10.jpg" border=0 width="348" height="433" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>At this stage in the presentation, I usually notice some unrest and uneasiness amongst the participants as they feel ashamed to ask the obvious question:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Have no shame, we are all male scientists, and we can and must confront the most disgusting aspects of biology without flinching.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Are you sure that all children and woman have been evacuated from the lecture Hall?*</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>No, Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing, you wonder whether you are to be included in the “women” category.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing, as you are a system virus, I would tend to answer affirmatively, but as you are the only available projectionist, we will all be most grateful to you if you can toggle your natural basic sensitivity and proceed with your function.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Are ready to proceed?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Projectionist next slide please.</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="113e3100.jpg" border=0 width="227" height="272" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We shall now enlarge on the Lower Middle Section of this specimen.</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="115f6380.jpg" border=0 width="246" height="312" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>Let us now look at a picture of the reproductive System.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I told you this was going to be utterly disgusting, so I will not apologize</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Next picture please</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="116ac2e0.jpg" border=0 width="172" height="302" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As you can see, utterly disgusting and repulsive!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Projectionist, I have a feeling that when the visiting female Professor from the country whose name give terrible rashes to our beloved President, it seem to me that the picture was, what shall I say, a bit sharper and that we were better able to compare what my fellow female colleague had brought with her?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You say that you are an honest woman and had you known how this lecture would continue, never would your husband have allowed you to earn you living by being the projectionist?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Do viruses have husbands with a sense of appropriateness?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>In this case yes?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, readers I fear that you will have to come to my Office if you want to get a clearer picture of the reproduction system of NOODLES!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, we shall now move from the anatomical part to the physiological part.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Let us keep this picture of the NOODLE! Firmly in our mind.</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="117ef6d0.jpg" border=0 width="239" height="365" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>