If Only !

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#99FFFF" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" width="100%" BGCOLOR="#33CCFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>If Only !</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="carnivorous.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Carnivorous">Carnivorous</A>   |   <B>If Only !</B>   |   <A HREF="dont_worry.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Dont Worry">Don't Worry</A>   |   <A HREF="trust_me_.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Trust Me !">Trust Me !</A>   |   <A HREF="welcome.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Welcome">Welcome</A>   |   <A HREF="alfred_e_neuman.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Alfred E. Neuman">Alfred E. Neuman</A>   |   <A HREF="parlez_vous_français.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Parlezvous Français?">Parlez-vous Français?</A>   |   <A HREF="the_president.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The President">The President</A>   |   <A HREF="love51.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Love">Love</A>   |   <A HREF="happy_end.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Happy End">Happy End</A>   |   <A HREF="darwins_noodles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Darwins Noodles">Darwin's Noodles</A>   |   <A HREF="noodle_sex.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Noodle Sex">Noodle Sex</A>   |   <A HREF="archeology.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Archeology">Archeology</A></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>If Only !!</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Noodles !!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The National Security Advisory and Conciliatory for the Union and Cooperation Above and Beyond Transgression of Socio Ethic Boundaries, also known as PROZA! was frozen. None dared look at the President;</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President was as always at his best in these moments of crisis. They all remembered his strong sun tanned manly open yet firm, friendly yet not weak face, they had seen it in action, they all remembered that terrible day when the President bought a pistachio glass to his daughters who threw it on the floor shrieking that “He should know that they only liked strawberry flavoured ice, creams”, they remembered the courage it took the President to turn his strong manly face towards his wife and say these words of wisdom:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><< what should I do now honey?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes in such terrible moments when history was vacillating on its grounds, in such moments they were proud be able to help their President.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Noodles!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President looked strong and said the words nobody had ever thought they would one day hear him say</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Well, it is time for coffee I believe?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The participants woke up all those who had already fallen asleep and they gathered in the coffee room. Some had whisky, some knew this was the time to demonstrate their faith in the country and ordered bourbon, some had it straight with a chaser, some had it with pure national branch water, they were all united in an historical moment of communion.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>After that brief moment of relaxation, the President had recovered his famous jovial smile and told them that now that they had had two hours to relax, he was reconvening PROZA!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Those who had not fallen asleep woke up those that had had gone too far in transcendental meditation, the usual team was sent to the bathrooms to gather those who had gone even further into contemplation.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The PROZA! was reconvened.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President looked at his staff members, all where too shy to meet his iron steeled eyes.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So, the day has come, </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The participants were shaken, they could not understand, they had never heard of that code word before, it must be something more than terrible to be <<for your eyes only>> and those eyes were for the President.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President turned towards the Chief of Intelligence. The President knew he could count on the firm and totally loyal cooperation of his Chief of Intelligence, he had found him in a Home for Mentally Retarded Adults and his iron glare had immediately sensed that this man had capacities above any normal human being, capacities that none before the President had been able to detect.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It was murmured in the corridors that when the President was meeting in private with his Chief of Intelligence, he always asked him to demonstrate once again that he could spell Konghress without making more than two spelling errors. Over the level of Humanity, such were the men and women assisting the President.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Noodles!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, we are not here to show our fears, and time is limited, this is an urgency, I believe the gravy for the Thanksgiving Turkey is such this year that if it is not eaten within 5 minutes it goes to pieces, so lets us roll up our shoulders, well you women don't have to do it, I cannot see how you could roll up much more without being embarked immediately for indecent exposure. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>They all laughed, geee, what a swell chap the President was, even in the harshest and most critical moments he never lost his sense of priorities, booze and women (The Editor apologizes to the readers, it appears that the electronic page laying machine may recently been infected by a bug called “Moulin Rouge”)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Noodles !!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The terrifying word was echoing from wall to wall, then it fell on the floor where it was picked up by Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing who put it her mouth and said “that this was rather good, one could certainly make a dish out of it” </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> (The editor once again apologizes to the readers, the bug will be fixed in any moment, it would normally have gone much faster was it not for the fact that all Security Technicians sent to Paris to identify the Source Code of Moulin Rouge never came back and were not hear of except for Sibylline messages such as “send more Viagra in urgency or I will not be able for much longer to hold up the pride of our country and culture without assistance”.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Bug or no bug, this was not going to deter the President from his tak.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Noodles !!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The all looked at him, waiting, well nearly all of them, as Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing was occupied in a corner of the Emergency Room preparing the side dishes for Thanksgiving.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>(the Editor promises that the bug will be fixed in any moment, he has even volunteered to travel to Paris himself however dangerous the task could be, he even gently declined the offer of his spouse to accompany him on this frightening mission).</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Noodles !!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President eyes were getting shinny, no the President was not crying, he was like the strong man he was, not afraid to show his emotions.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Noodles!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Yes my father, the President told me that his father, the President had told him that this day would come!>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Readers from far away country must remember that we are now in the period when the country had got rid of this hole punching boring stupid so called democratic process, as if punching holes in a piece of paper could have anything to do with democracy and that by now the President was always selected from a family whose name started with a “B” and the next president from a family whose name started with a “C”  and the next president from a family whose name started with a “B” and so on.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes, said the president whose name began with a “B” or was it a “C”, nobody really cared anymore, my father told me that this day would come and we both hoped never to hear that terrifying name.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well lets face it.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>All participants turned round in their chair and faced it, you can say what you want about PROZA! but none of them lacked courage!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Let us see what the Intelligence branch has on this code world before I tell you the whole story.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr Chief of Intelligence, please tell us what you have?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Oh yes Mr President</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>K</B></div> <div> <B>O</B></div> <div> <B>N </B></div> <div> <B>E</B></div> <div> <B>G</B></div> <div> <B>R </B></div> <div> <B>A</B></div> <div> <B>I</B></div> <div> <B>S</B></div> <div> <B>S</B></div> <div> <B>E</B></div> <div> <B>!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Did I get it right M. President?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thank you so much J. Edgar, that was very good of you and I believe that you were even better than last time, but now we have to devote a bit of time to that NOODLE word, yes I know you have not yet reached it, but please J. Edgar, let your assistants tell us what your Agency has on this entry.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Yes you can put back your dress Miss, and tell us without any fear what you have discovered >>:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And if you feel a bit faint, we shall not despise you for it, we all understand that you are just a woman, and if it can make you feel any more secure you could come and sit on my lap while doing your presentation. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Should you still put back your dress?, well, let us not waste any more time and let us proceed.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr President, members of PROZA! I am afraid that I have to tell you that </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Is not a world from our country.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Our computers have scanned all the menus of McDo, Burger King and Colonel Johnson back to the 15</B><B>th</B><B> century and never does that word appear. Never.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The conclusion must be that this is a foreign word, please accept my apologies for using such rude and unladylike language.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We handed over the inquiries to our contractor SMERSH and the survivors of the search told us before dying that </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Appear to be related to some extraordinary potent lethal agent used by European Dictators to subjugate their underlings.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr President, they had reached the point all the dictators want to reach, they did not have to feed the poison to the underlings, the underlings were craving the poison and would go to any length to get it. If they did not eat of it twice a day, they would go into deep melancholia and soon die in horrible suffering.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Officer, all this historical stuff is most interesting but it does not bring us to the point.>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Who is producing these poisons and what is the counter poison?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr President, the computer is not very clear in its analysis. We, at the International Security Department, are not even sure that we can trust the computer any more.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<And why could we not trust our National Computer, made by true national specialist using parts made in China and that have past the most rigorous security checks in Taiwan?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr President, with your incredible intelligence you have immediately put your finger on what it took 18 terabytes of sequential double interwoven  line of computing to attain;</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Officer and what would be that?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Oh Mr President, your hand, it tickles, oh, Mr President>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Officer, please keep your attention on the job at hand, and when I mean at hand, I mean at hand on the table. Officer, what conclusion did the National Ultra Powerful Computer Reach>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr President, ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhh yes!!!!!! Of Mr President, ohhhhhh mummy, oh no,  ohhhh Mr President,  ohhhh, China!!!!!! Ohhh yes, yes yes!!!>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><< Officer stop wriggling like a bait worm  and concentrate now, what has your mother and China got to do with Noodles?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sorry Mr President, I got a bit carried away by your masterful handling of the situation, all my apologies, Mr President, the Ultra National Computer said that we should check NODDLES and China! And Mr President, could I please leave the meeting for a moment, it may take quite some time as I feel a bit faint and dizzy>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Roger Officer, but come to my Office once you have recovered, I want to make sure with my own hands that we have not left any hidden problem hidden>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Officer you may recede, I mean you may proceed but keep ready for any rising urgency that may present itself.>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thank you Mr President, should I hang my dress next to the one that we keep as a cherished memory from your predecessor?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Officer, I hate flippancy, attend to your coming duties>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Members of Proza! I command your highest level of attention. Commander Wheat, will you see that J. Edgar stops snoring so loudly.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Members of Proza! all that will be said is said at the highest level of secrecy, any leak would be punished, consider that the secrets that are going to be revealed to you now are more confidential than the composition of the Coca-Cola substrate;</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>All members of Proza! shuddered, never had they thought that they would be called to share secrets of such importance. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sure, when coming into Office they had hall received an Ultra Confidential folder which they could only read when under the eyes of two Security Agents, folders stating under which circumstances the Nation could be called to offer as a bargaining tool to reveal the way to imitate the composition of the Basis of Coca-Cola</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The folder stated clearly that it must be understood that the Nation would offer that bargaining tool only as long as the enemy understood that all ingredients would be manufactured within the borders and the recipient would have to account for each gram it received, if it was to receive any and as yet never had a situation arisen of such gravity that yielding the composition of the basis of Cocal-Cola had ever even been considered.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Even the Vice President did not have access to the complete folder. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<Incidentally folk, where is the Vice President, why is he not here?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr President, the Vice President asked for leave of absence from his employer but it was refused as they stated that with the gas price at that level they could not take the risk of him leaving the Grounds and possibly divulging to anybody, sorry Mr President, I believe the original statement was, “divulging to anybody, like the President”, how much profit they were making.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, the Vice President has been the best Vice President this country has ever had, never has he been heard saying anything out of order, never has he been seen doing anything stupid, never has he called me on the phone to ask how he should counter the Mars Invaders on level three on his PSP. Mind you, one day I intend to reach level two, at present I have survived Mars Attack for 22 seconds and I am improving, yes improving, even my daughters tell me that given another couple of lives I will reach level three.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Where was I?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Secretary, Could you read me my last statement once again please?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sorry, you are not the secretary, you are the Secretary of State, most sorry!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Secretary of State of what if I may ask?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Defence?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Peculiar, have I really cut the funds so much that they have to use our staff now and cannot afford their own secretaries?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Secretary, wherever you are, can you read the my sentence</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Oh it is you Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>(The Editor has sent a word from Paris stating that he is exploring with his French counterpart the hidden regions of the code, so we are unable, dignified readers to guaranty that we shall be able to rid this book of its virus in the near future)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You are saying Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing that you did not take any notes as you had some problems with the Thanksgiving Turkey as it claimed to be the one I had pardoned and did not accept to be stuffed?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Who would like Corn Beef for Thanksgiving, please raise your hand</B></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>K</B></div> <div> <B>O</B></div> <div> <B>N </B></div> <div> <B>E</B></div> <div> <B>G</B></div> <div> <B>R </B></div> <div> <B>A</B></div> <div> <B>I</B></div> <div> <B>S</B></div> <div> <B>S</B></div> <div> <B>E</B></div> <div> <B>!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>That was good J. Edgar but I think you must also be a bit attentive to what we are discussing and incidentally you had one “R” too many.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So that was corn beef for everybody?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, that was a good security meeting and I am sure that we are all looking forward to our Thanksgiving dinner.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Who said “NOODLES!”</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Guards grab that man, we have a spy in our meeting, this secret must never leak out of this room.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You say you are Karl Zero and that you are my adviser? Why should I need any advice on how to prepare Thanksgiving Corn Beef?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The NOODLE threat?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Oh yes,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Guards let go this man, I think I was a bit hasty, but really you should try not to look so much like that chap Chirac.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Could someone call the doctor, I get those rashes again all over me when I think of that name. Let alone pronounce it.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Proza! at attention!</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Your President is speaking.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Member of the Thanksgiving Dinner Preparation Committee, I knew it all the time, as soon as I heard the hated word</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I knew!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It is the French!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Is that the cream for my rashes? Well then go and get the Secretary of State, she knows how to apply even when I work. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes, it is the French!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES, who else but the treacherous French could go to such extreme and use such undignified Arms of Mass Destruction,?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes the French.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My father told me, never trust foreigners and when I asked him “daddy what is a foreigner” he was quite clear on this subject, foreigners is the French, at his time it was some kind of incredibly long man who would not even laugh when you told him that good one about that the English Prime Minister advised the French President to do when visiting the Women's Refugee Centre. No fun at all that man, no sense of humour. And mind my words, never trust a man who does not have a sense of humour.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NODDLES!!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes that is the French at it again.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And when the computer told us to check on the Chinese, I knew immediately I was right.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What do you mean, how could I see that it made me right?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Are you deaf or are you too hungry, don't you understand, it is the French Again!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Now, Members of the Defence Committee, we have to take actions that will speak foe us and will someone please kill that turkey so that you can hear what I say?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What do you mean, I cannot have it killed as I have just graced it. Sorry but I do not see your point, you must be losing your marbles just as that French President did when the English Prime Minister invited him to enter the Women's Refugee Center and he told him that …..</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ah that's you with the cream for my rashes, you are just in time, just take down my trousers as usually and don't interrupt me while I speak and yes, I can kill a turkey I have graced, why do you think I am your President?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It is the French!!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We must retaliate immediately.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Members of the Committee, I am waiting for your suggestions?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes, you suggest that we should put arsenic in their wines and claim that they are trying to kill the World Population?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I wish you would keep up to date with our Foreign Policy, incidentally do we have a Foreign Policy, yes we have? Has anybody seen it recently? No, you think that the Vice President may have borrowed it and forgotten to give it back, yes, that could be the right explanation.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So as I was saying we have put everything we could think of in their hideous vine and of course we should have expected it from the French, the sales just went up and up and the Japanese started drinking it with the fugo fish.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>No, something better.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Bomb them?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sure, make me laugh, I like a good laugh, what do you want us to bomb, they destroy themselves anything they have done, you really want us to bomb ruins?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Speak to them in English only?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What do you take us for, idiots? We have done that for decades and it does not seem to make any difference to them that they cannot even read the agenda of the day, so long as the lunch and dinner menu is printed in French; incidentally as we are on this subject, what is the French for corn beef? Have you ever seen a French delegate wake up before the agenda item “other matters, where shall we meet next time” when suddenly they get fluent in English?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well the English never wake up until we get to the agenda item where we discuss the increase in the compensations to be paid to the Committee members. But I sure wish the English would stop going round the table at the end of the meeting with their bowler hat and asking just for a little bit of contribution as they have had some hard time recently with the gee gees.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>No other suggestions?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, let us then go through the usual routines.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Could our secretary red the notes from the previous meeting so that we can see what else we could tax that we have not yet thought of.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing (the Editor has sent a note that he is beginning to see clearly the solution, the only problem being that at the time being he sees double and feels a bit weak; considering the upgrading of the urgency we are envisaging to use extreme solutions, it being envisaged to send his wife to Paris)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing you say that according to the 200 pages of the list of products from France we are double taxing you do not see anything that could really hurt them.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What about mangoes and passion fruits?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Done already</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What about forbidding triple X rated movies?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We are the biggest consumers and it would hurt us more than them?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I remember that the Defence Committee once showed me a noise bomb, it just goes on and on speaking in any language and there is no way that it can be stopped?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You say that we stole that one from the French Army and that anyway it does not appear to make any difference in France?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, reluctantly, and it pains me, but I am your President and upon me is the burden of  the pain and anguish of the consequences of decisions taken that even the bravest man would balk at,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Therefore as your President I am declaring that as from today all mention of the world France will be deleted from Books and replaced by Belgium.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And as from today, all documents and books and communication means that previously were formed in French will now be formed in Belgium! What a laugh it will be when they get all our documents in this Indo-Croatian dialiect! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes, listen to your President, I shall twist their knees until they go down on their elbows!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing, the Thanksgiving Corn Beef dinner is ready and you think we should move to the dinning all?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing the turkey would like to assist to the dinner as invited guest?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well why not?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Could anybody tell me whether it is a lady or a man, for the seating arrangements?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mind you, who today can say whether it is a man or a woman?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Merry Thanksgiving to all of you</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And thank you very much for the rash cream, it really helped. But don't pronounce that hated name in front of me again!</B></div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>