The President

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#99FFFF" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" width="100%" BGCOLOR="#33CCFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>The President</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Glubs and the Noodles">The Glubs and the Noodles</A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="carnivorous.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Carnivorous">Carnivorous</A>   |   <A HREF="if_only_.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="If Only !">If Only !</A>   |   <A HREF="dont_worry.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Dont Worry">Don't Worry</A>   |   <A HREF="trust_me_.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Trust Me !">Trust Me !</A>   |   <A HREF="welcome.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Welcome">Welcome</A>   |   <A HREF="alfred_e_neuman.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Alfred E. Neuman">Alfred E. Neuman</A>   |   <A HREF="parlez_vous_français.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Parlezvous Français?">Parlez-vous Français?</A>   |   <B>The President</B>   |   <A HREF="love51.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Love">Love</A>   |   <A HREF="happy_end.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Happy End">Happy End</A>   |   <A HREF="darwins_noodles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Darwins Noodles">Darwin's Noodles</A>   |   <A HREF="noodle_sex.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Noodle Sex">Noodle Sex</A>   |   <A HREF="archeology.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Archeology">Archeology</A></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>The President</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>The President was standing in front of them, showing his strong masculine, hard yet soft features.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies and Gentlemen</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Karl, why are you pulling my sleeve, don't you think I can read a speech when I have a prompter in front of me?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You mean there are no gentlemen here?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My Dear Karl, if I was to detail the sexual behaviour of the men I have had in front of me, I would have been arrested a long time ago, Dear Karl, always so innocent!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You mean that physically there are no gentlemen here?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Incredible!!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We are in paradise!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, ladies, ladies and offspring of the ladies</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A voice sounded asking the mother of the child who had just cut the cable to the loudspeaker to identify herself, legal assistance would be provided to her.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Apparently the cut was not too long and the President could resume</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>John, could you kindly rewind the prompter to the beginning some idiot has let the speech go on and on my monitor we have reached the point where I give the time of the execution.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>That's better</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies and Gentlemen!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!!!!</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="457" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFF80 HEIGHT= 154 WIDTH="451"><div> <B>As teller of the story I feel flushed with pleasure, you did not anticipate that one, you thought I have totally forgotten the thread of the story, did you? To tell you the truth, I admit I had forgotten it as my editor had promised me that I could write ten pages of the most salacious descriptions and I was trying to skip all that boring stuff, to come to the point, where we are  playing for high stakes. Wait until you read my salacious pages and you will understand what I mean when saying we are playing for high stakes.</B></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As if one could forget such a terrifying word.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President uttered the terrible world, this voice apparently barely flinching. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The nurse rolled up the President sleeves, he received a quicky and was able to resume.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies, as your President, I have to tell you that what I say is a secret of such importance that any person, even a lady, who would divulge it, would be treated in the harshest possible way.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>While as a story teller, I always try to maintain the dignity and sense of history, when reporting I feel that it is my duty to report that many voices were heard amongst the ladies, such as</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><< where have I heard that sentence if not a hundred times before?>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>and regretfully the promise of the uttermost severity in punishment seemed to open a whole line of confidence around Betty Brown-Adams whose stories where apparently more interesting that the speech of the President. I suppose that Betty Brown Adams would have got away peacefully with her story was it not for Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Oh no, not again, you said you had got rid of that editorial virus, I mean, how can you expect a story teller to proceed calmly with his story when a virus is sticking it's ugly head up here and there in the story?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So Mrs Betty Brown Adams, would not have raised that much interest had it not been for Mrs Louisa Achab-Aberdeen-Na-Jing who told her that she did not really believe her, upon which Mrs Betty Brown Adams, rolled down her Top</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As story teller, I always get confused by ladies garments, if you roll down a top, should you still go on calling it a top?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So here the ladies where goggling at what Mrs Betty Brown Adams was showing and there was no denying that she had been treated harshly.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President ordered the cameras to close in as he could not see clearly if the marks were to be said to be pink or a bit of bluish-pinkish shade.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As I was saying, all this would have been a minor mistreatment would it not have been for Mrs Duchess of  Bedpan who clearly and loudly claimed that this was children's stuff and let me show you what it is when you are with a real man, upon which she did indeed show what it was.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The Editor claims that there is no way we can publish here the picture of hundreds of mothers showing one another what it was like to have a real man. I wonder why?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The President having satisfied his well known need for human information, the meeting was called back to order.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies, well, Karl, I am not sure, I got your point about not having any gentlemen here but I am beginning to wonder whether we have any ladies?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You think it is beyond the point Karl? That one can disclose anything about a lady and that she will not bat an eye? That you want to tell be the story of the Ambassador's wife when she got disclosed, sorry Karl does not believe that this is the right time to tell that one, wait until we get to the War Communication Centre</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You are the specialist; I will have to trust you on that one;</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The terrifying world stopped all the chatter on the floor.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I you don't believe me, try it at home when you try to tell your story while you wife and children want to tell their stories.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOODLES!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Total silence.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Before letting you in on these State Secrets</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><<sniggers amongst the ladies, secret?, tell her!>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I have to introduce the Member of the Government to you:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>To my right you have the Vice President, where is the Vice President, oh yes sorry, he did not get a leave of absence, but let me tell you people that the Vice President is using Premium Gas produced by Alaska Oil, the only guarantied never to burn! Your insurance company, we in the Government, all use the Central Insurance which I can warmly recommend; your Insurance Company will give you 10% discount if you use Alaska Gas.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>To my left is the Secretary of Defence, if you wonder like me this morning why the Secretary of Defence does not take notes and you get any sensible answer please tell me. When wearing clothes the Secretary of Defence is using pure Home Made Taiwanese silk because her skin is allergic to so many things, believe me, I have checked; Should you still have worries, I guaranty upon what I have most sacred that the Secretary of Defence is not wearing any cloth.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Would some one please ask that prompter to move up a bit!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I was saying, I can guaranty that the Secretary of Defence is not wearing any cloth made or designed in the country over there and please don't make me say the word, I have said it once today and I still have difficulties recovering.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>In that glass on the lecture desk you have pure, national, bubbly Boba-Bola drink, the bubbles have been made in China, the water comes from The Soviet Union.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes Karl, what is it again, can't you see, that I am speaking?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>There is no Soviet Union?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>But Karl I got elected promising to defend us against the Soviet Union</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Oh I see, it has changed name but it is exactly what it was before?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It would not by chance now be called…… well you know the name I do not want to pronounce because of my allergy?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You say Karl that it is not called “France”, oh, what did you do Karl, there it goes again, sorry  ladies, please turn around, I have to apply my anti-allergic cream and the area is located in an area usually not displayed.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As story teller, I have no opinion. Some claim that 50% of the ladies turned around, some claim that none did and some claim that those who did not turn round told their friends afterwards that they did not miss anything, but that some people obviously missed something.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Do you readers really think that this is fair; my Editor claims that all these lines will be deducted to my allotment of salacious pages?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, I think we can resume.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The microphone is powered by the Sing-Sing recycling program.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sorry ladies but since we cut down on taxes, the Government needs sponsors to support its activities and these announcements are part of our contract.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies, regretfully we do not appear to make much progress and I wish I would not be interrupted all the time.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>(why did the ladies turn to one another saying that they had the same experiences and where beginning to commiserate with that poor man, well at least President)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies I am glad to announce that I have taken my responsibilities and that you do have to worry anymore. You are safe in my hands</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>(why did the first lady looking at the news utter the word “regretfully”)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>By now your houses have been completely disinfected and are totally safe.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We first crushed them with Earth Movers made by the Bomb-o'-Manic company, one of the best ones in the World if you want my advice, then we used the highest quality of napalm, guaranteed free of any contamination agents and no foreign ingredients to burn down the remains, then using our Deficit-Gap-Making Equipment we were able to make in a record time holes were to bury the remains should any such remains be visible.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>To avoid any risk of contamination you house area was declared war zone and as such came under the jurisdiction of the Army; Any of your friends who visited you at that time was shot and thanks to the foresight of the Army we had side holes made by the Deficit-Gap-Making Equipment and could dispose of them immediately.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Of course, I can see some lines of worry on some of you, you wonder, was it expensive?.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It is my policy to keep the bad news to the end, so while you are now reassured that you are totally safe, it is my duty to tell you that we could not go by the tendering procedure and had to use the Most Efficient Company available regardless of cost, and I want to take advantage of this occasion to thank the Vice President standing on my right</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Where is the Vice President?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>He is on the Shareholder meeting?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What Shareholder meeting?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The Shareholder meeting of the Company that got the maintenance contract?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Good, excellent, if there is one thing we pride ourselves in, is maintaining good relationships with business.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As I was saying, thanks to the Vice President we got the Best that could be got.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It will be a bit more expensive than using the tendering procedure.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Therefore I have decided that the repayments you have to make for the work carried out on your behalf by the Government will not have to be made as usual within the 30 days notice, the Secretary of Finance has reluctantly agreed that if you pay 50% of the costs within 30 days, you can pay the balance within the next week.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As for the cost of you travel to this meeting, the accommodations and the food, </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>and I would like all of you to join with me and give a hand to the brave people who have prepared our breakfast this morning at such an early time for only a double premium allowance, let us all give them a hand!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As I was saying, kindly pay these costs when leaving, checks and credit cards will not be accepted.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Editor, could I please write my ten salacious pages now?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>No!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Life if so unfair.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So I will say the four letter word</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><noddles, noodles, noodles, noodles, noddles .....>></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Not four letter</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You sure?</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>